Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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