man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
