Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
50% drunk capacity currently
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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