jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
