You can't special order awesome
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Hippo gnu deer
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
