wakey wakey hands off snakey
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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