oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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