there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
