I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
