Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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