I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
