good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
