I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize