she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
