Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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