It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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