Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
