it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
