VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
