if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Damn victory sex feels great
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
