By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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