Are we in a gay sports bar?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
