my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize