At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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