I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
