I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize