You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
