In the future we'll all be gay
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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