i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
