Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
