i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
