Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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