My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize