it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
