Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
