i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
