he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
