so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
