I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
