i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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