Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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