I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
