The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
