well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
