I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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