I think I am morally bankrupt
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
