I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
