Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
