so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
