he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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