I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
