i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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