i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
