dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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