Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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