This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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