The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You took a bar mat shot.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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