..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
