If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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