Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
