1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize