my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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