At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
